What from your childhood are you most thankful for?

I apologize for taking so long to write this story, but it really got me thinking. I came to the conclusion that I am the most thankful for the imperfections of my childhood.

Hopefully, we all learn from mistakes. I think that it takes me longer than it does others. This brings me the serious point that I would like to discuss.

I had many imperfects in my childhood, surely, but there is one fact that I have grown from.
Bullying.

I don't think that this story is going to be from the standpoint that you suspect, because for the most part, I was the bully.

At that time in my life, I would not have classified myself as such, but looking back I defiantly do. I did rude things for personal benefit, or no benefit at all. I thought that doing rude things would make me popular. I thought I would fit in better if I was a jerk to the people that "nobody liked anyway". As far as short term goes, I was kind of right. But in the long term, being a bully was the worst mistake I made as a child.

Before I started bullying, I was bullied myself. I must have seen something in those kids. It seemed like they always got what they wanted and it never hurt them. That was a false perception. I never wanted to be like them, I hated what they did to me, but somehow I ended up like them. It took me a very long time to realize how wrong I was and a really long time to change.

I am terribly ashamed of this, but it taught me a valuable lesson. It doesn't matter what other people think, it matters what is right. We all know when we are being rude. Telling jokes at others expense, laughing at people, physical harm. I participated in those sort of things, and all because I wanted to "fit in". Sometimes when we are jerks over and over, the feeling of regret starts to numb. But it all hits you at once when you realize how big your mistakes truly were.

When I am rude to people now, even though I am in college, I remember what it was like for me, on the day that I lost a lot of friends because of some decisions I had made. Decisions at the expense of others. The tables turned and I was no longer the bully, but had returned to being bullied. That is when I knew I had a serious issue to deal with.

The reason I am thankful for this is because it changed me as a person. I try to think about what I say now. I try to think of others before myself. Sometimes I slip up, of course, but I am no longer a bully. And I am no longer bullied. I am stronger and more independent because of things that happened to me when I was a child.

Bullying has had an influence on me, from both standpoints. It is wrong.

I am not thankful for bullying, but I am thankful that I had those experiences when I did so that I could grow as a person.

My favorite musician.

This is a very easily answered question for me. No hesitation. My favorite musician is Brandon Flowers. Lead singer of my favorite band- The Killers. The Killers have become a part of my definition, a key factor in the description of who I am. I know you are thinking about how much of a teenage thing that is to say, but I am 19 years old and I don't believe in stereotypes. I no longer try to fit in. They are my favorite band and I am passionate about them. Sometimes when I hear the first note to one of their songs I just start crying.

I also respect Brandon Flowers so much due to his beliefs and his humility. He stands up for himself, and he doesn't act like he is perfect. He has a wife and children even though he is living the life of a rock star.

I could go on and on, but I will leave you with some advice.Go listen to Battle Born. 

Where is my mind?

Oh man, so much has happened in such a short period of time. This is going to be one crazy post. I had the opportunity to attend the high school Shakespeare festival for the first time as a college student. I blogged long ago about how much I love Shakespeare and that opinion has again been reinforced. His works have changed the world. Watching Hamlet opened my eyes to things I wish would never leave me. It put me on a theatre high, made me want to perform more. I am considering a Theatre Arts Minor, but that is a whole new topic.

I have a feeling that you will soon understand the name of this post.

It was exactly what I needed to see my friends from the drama department. They mean so much to me and their influence on me is incredible. The influence of drama pointed me in the right direction to making the biggest decision of my life so far, the decision of where I should go to college. Although I am not majoring in Theatre, I am around it all the time.
 I have the most incredible friends. I am constantly reminded that they have not forgotten me. When I went home for fall break, I was struck with the realization that my best friends would stick with me for life. I always knew it, but it just really hit hard this time.

I hate when my posts don't have a meaning, so I came up with one. I cannot make decisions. Even when I do, they aren't really solid. I think it has to do with the fact that I am not very organized. It is not that I am messy, I am just a bit scattered. When you are scattered in thought, you end up being scattered in life, and vice versa. I just want to be able to make a solid decision in my life. I want to know what to do, I want to know where to go, I want to just have a solid knowledge instead of telling everyone that I am still deciding or that I am working on it.

I am not just talking about college decisions, I am talking about tons of things. Everything, really. I want to know myself so well that it is easy to make a decision.

This whole post is full of me saying how much I want something. That is how bad it is. I can't even make the decision to be decisive. 

But, honestly

I tend to post things when I see a problem and genuinely want to change it.
Sometimes, these issues are personal. It takes a lot for me to admit something like this, but I think it may be just the motivation and risk I need to take in order to change.

I know that in the past I have had some issues with honesty.

Okay, I think a lot of people have troubles with this. I tell little lies without even really thinking about it. Probably every day. Someone may ask, "Did you see this movie" and you reply "Oh yeah, I did" I used to just blow off a small lie like that, but lately all that goes on in my head is "no I didn't. Why in the world would I say something like that. That was so stupid. A pointless lie. Of all the lies-I lied about that. It isn't going to do anything for my social standing or anything. It wont change my life. But no. I had to lie about some stupid movie"

I am not kidding when I say that this can lead to bigger problems in the 'lying' department. People always tell you that one lie leads to another, and I think we tend to think that they mean in that moment. It isn't just in that moment. Lying gets easier. You start to not really feel that bad about it. You start to not really care.

And we all know that problems occur when one doesn't care. All sorts of things that I don't even want to go into.

I have noticed that I tend to declare things on public websites. It is where I challenge myself the most, because I feel like I have to live up to it.

I am about to do it again and I am sure that it will not be the last time. If you haven't guessed already, I want to improve my honesty. I know I have mentioned a little about how I shouldn't be fake in general. But I gotta narrow it down a little more. I need to altogether stop saying things that are not true.

Just think about what lying does to people? It is the root of much bigger problems. If we eliminate dishonesty, we could change something.

Because I someday want to make the world a better place, and I guess the best thing to start with is myself.
Take this challenge with me?

Headed fast as we can for the unknown

This is exactly what I needed, and it is only the beginning. I could not be more happy to be a part of the T-bird nation. SUU is seriously the perfect place for me. I have met some people that I really feel like I could create lasting friendships with.

Our motivational speaker talked about how we need to forget about first impressions and stop judging people by what we first see. Everybody does it. He asked us all to close our eyes and raise our hand if we are prejudice. It was really tough for me to admit that I was. That is exactly what I DON'T want to be, but I am. Then he asked the people who were raising their hands to stand up. Even though I wanted to trust this large crowd to have their eyes closed, it was still really hard for me to do. When we open our eyes, next to no one was standing up.

I was really inspired by this, and decided that I need to take this new experience of college and change. Forget about how I have thought of people in the past. I am going to make friends that I never would have made before. I am going to forget about opinions that I might have of people and just get to know who they really are.

At all these kick-off workshops and things, something keeps coming up. Everyone keeps saying how this is a chance for us to turn our life around. To break free from who we might have been and become who we are going to be. I have procrastinated in the past, but that doesn't make me a procrastinator. I have cheated before, but that doesn't mean I am a cheater. The things I have done in the past do not create make me a bad person. Yes, my decisions have had an impact on my life. The have created the person that I am today, but they have not put me into a stereotype. I am Jessica Jensen. I am myself. And I am STILL creating myself. That is the magnificent part. Someone that I met yesterday or today  or tomorrow could become a big part of my life.

There are so many people out there that we don't even know exist. We are on the earth with millions of people, and we probably will never meet most of them. So why not try to find the good in the people that we do have the opportunity to meet? We don't we become friends with those people. We can change their lives as much as they can change ours.

I'm going to, step by step, become who I am going to be.

But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

I have come to the realization that we take life for granted. I know that people say this all the time, but it couldn't be more true. The importance of being alive, being functional, just being able to see, to say, to listen and to feel. We are so fortunate. The people who always seem the most optimistic are those who seem to have less than most. They get over their moments of being sad about what they lack, and then they decide to realize what they have. 

It is shocking that those that have lives that make us cry are always the ones smiling, laughing and enjoying what they do have. We see how short their life may be, and they see what a life they have lived. The best thing is they never stop living. They stay with us, sometimes more than those that are with us. 

I have been bitter. All I keep doing is anticipating the future. Attempting to fast-forward to where I might be going. I need to learn to live now. I have got to start making something of this. I need to take advantage of the time that I have. It sounds depressing, but it is not meant to. I just want to do something. Maybe I should stop wanting and just do it. 

"So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to chose where we come from, we can still chose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them." -The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

When silence surrounds you.

Overwhelming emotion of the day: Confusion.

If you write while you are confused, the results are usually confusing. So, don't expect this to make sense. 

I feel as though I genuinely care about people. I just don't feel like it comes across. I think that I am thought to be someone who is carefree, and therefor, careless. But I think that there is a difference. It may seem like I don't care, but everything has an influence on me. I care a lot more about others than they apparently realize. 

There are times that people act as though they care, and maybe they do, but not on as personal a level as they make it seem. They could forward out a text message informing the majority of their contact list how much they love and care about them. Each individual is under the impression that they are being genuine. But someone finds out. They tell others about it. What does this do?

It could crush people. 

How do you show someone that you really care. Let's try talking to them. In person, maybe? Making a legitimate attempt to show them how you feel. This does not include: saying the same thing you say to everyone, doing it because you know you should, or doing it as a last resort. Show some concern, pay attention to what is actually going on in their life. 

That was more negative than I intended in the first place. Maybe I just need some more vitamin d. 

I am so grateful for those in my life that are there for me, and not just because they know they should. My family, my close friends, and a few select people that are always there, and always seem to care. This realization has only made me want to pay more and more attention to those I care about. It makes me want to be more honest. 

I'm going to try not to put on a face when it is unnecessary. 

I poured out my heart when no one was listening.

I try to make inspiring posts as much as I can, to try and distract whoever reads this from the fact that I am an emotional wreck. I have scattered thoughts, certainly, but they are strong.

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would not write unless I felt strongly about something and felt as though others should know about it. I would be lying if I said that was the only reason that I haven't posted in a long time, but you are going to have to settle for a lie, because I have yet to comprehend exactly what the truth is enough to explain it.

This is as honest as I can be is that right now. I am inspired to write, and it is 12:18 pm.

I am awake, just as I usually am at this hour, even though I have to paint faces in a carnival tomorrow. I am awake because I have again felt as though I am ready to take a step in my life. There is a part of my life that is done. I am very ready to become an adult, to change. I find myself so angry with reality. I am upset that I am broke without a job and that I am alone and that I feel shadowed. I am not who I was anymore.

I don't want to be upset. I want to be myself. I catch glimpses of who I might become sometimes, and I am more excited then ever. But when I act like who I am, or rather who I was, I am simply unhappy. It just isn't quite who I am or want to be anymore. I want to take the steps I need to in order to become who I want to be.

As a teenager, I am upset and have feelings that I am under appreciated and unheard. As lame as it sounds, I really just want to be given the chance to grow up on my own. I want to move on. I don't want to eliminate anyone or anything important, I just want to become me. I want to grow into what I have always dreamed myself to be. Maybe I won't even get there, and I am not sure exactly where "there" is, but I just want to move forward. I am relieved just writing it down, being the kind of person that I am, having to spill my thoughts somehow, just so they wont boil over. This little ridiculous blog happens to be where my thoughts escape.

Who knows, maybe I am just out of my mind. I know I am not handling this quite right, but I have never had great control. I just want so badly to be somebody. Somebody to someone, that part I am obviously scared about, but actually, right now I want to become somebody that I want to be. I want that more than anything. Hopefully who I have been will help me get there.

First step

I have crossed one of the marks of graduation. It is really kinda painful. Everything is flying at me screaming "grow up!" and the more it does, the younger I become. I have always been a little defiant.
And here I am, on like my five thousandth attempt at becoming a better person, one step up and two steps back. Hoping to gradually have more good choices than bad, and I am really not sure that it will really ever happen. But I hope that I will. I hope that I have made some sort of difference in someones life, because people have changed me like crazy. Of course I keep writing about it, because I feel like it helps me change. The first step is being happy. Just trying to be nice to people. I think that I could be better if I did that, focused on making others happy when I am around them, and focus on self worth and progression when I am alone. Gotta get out of this rut somehow.

I am so dependent. Right now I have really great friends to depend upon, But who knows how long that will last, I am about to go to college. I am about to start something on my own. It's way too crazy.

Acceptance

I had been pretty cranky for the past little while, but the moment I stopped thinking about myself is the same moment that I was happy again. I probably seem really bipolar to people, but I just have to snap myself out of a bad attitude more than I wish that I did. I am only unhappy when I give up. I become selfish, upset and irritated, sometimes beyond my control. It takes a love for me to snap out of it.

Do I have a problem? probably. But today I am doing great. I have to focus a lot on what makes me happy. To be around certain people, I really have to watch myself. I have to make sure that I am on my guard and attempt to apply a brain-filter.

But it never really works. Brain filters explode when placed into my head. So, if I have been rude to you, I am honestly sorry.

I want to reach my happiness high again. 

I want to do so without cutting out or avoiding people in my life.

I am worried that this might be impossible.

All I ever want is to be accepted and happy.. but there are people that I am around that often make me feel so negative. They put others down, break my standards or are just plain rude. I want to be their friend, because I love having friends, but I am just so deeply impacted by every person around me that I have to be really careful.

It is so hard. I have gotten into habits that I wish I didn't have. I have been there, and I am on the uphill climb, but I just keep falling back into that place, the place I don't want to be anymore. 

Can I just be happy and peaceful a efficient without being pessimistic? I am honestly struggling. 

I guess really what needs to happen is I need to build up my strength. I have to be able to stand up for myself more. I have so many good examples too, I'm just such a crowd follower. A follower that is in training to be a leader. Wow, this could really end up interesting. 

I just feel like I need to reach.

This is the World Coming Down on Your Head

"If you never say what you are thinking, then it never really exists." A good friend of mine told me this once, and I honestly don't think that I will ever forget it. It goes both ways, doesn't it. I felt inspired to speak my mind, and I didn't. I am worried that I will never have that opportunity again. It hurts worse when all you can think about your thought after not speaking up is "It never really existed".

Some people are gutsy and say what they feel. I cannot say that I am one of these people. I wish I was. Sometimes great things come out of their bravery, and sometimes they just get shot down. I live with a fear of not being accepted. I have hated, lost, cried, and loved without ever saying anything. Was it worth it? no.

The other side, the hatred one. These thoughts and feelings that people get may just cause hurt. It is sometimes better to keep them to yourself, if at all possible. Then, you wont have to worry about them existing. Or ruining something strong and incomparable. I am all for voicing opinion, I just suck at it. I hurt people more than heal or comfort. I say things without thinking. I have no brain filter. 

If you are reading this, I probably care for you. We probably have something we could say to each other. And we may not ever know what one thinks of the other. I may not ever tell you what I really think of you. I may not admit to you how I feel. And what I actually feel will never really exist. 

What just happened.

It is wonderful how spontaneous life is. We never know what the heck is going to happen next. Honestly, someone could wake up one day to find that their car is gone and then lose their job while their mother is sick in the hospital. Their child could call home sick from school and they could lose their wallet, all in the same day. This person probably thinks that they have it worst in all of the world. They don’t.

I have caught myself complaining a lot. I am around people who complain all the time, and then something serious like this hits and none of us really know what do to or how to feel.
Cancer is a real problem. We all are taught that, but do we really know? I think that we never will fully understand the impact it has on people. I wish there was a way to stop it from taking life lives of many and damaging the lives of more. But I believe in God. I believe that everything has a purpose and that we are here to be tried and tested. There is a place where we can all be together again.


Why should we waste our time complaining about how hard our lives are and all that crazy stuff that doesn't really matter when we should be worrying about others. We should be helping others. There is a lack of respect that I have seen so much lately that I am so confused by. People feel this need to be inappropriate and obnoxious. I say things only to be contradicted sometimes. I watch students take advantage of teachers and children take advantage of parents. I am sick of it, this is seriously unacceptable.


I am so grateful for what I have been given in this life, and I hope I my eyes will stay open to these things. I wish I could grab and shake some people back to their potential and that they could see what I feel. 


Please, remember that everyone is worth it.


I love my friends. especially my best one.


People just need love. We need acceptance.

I win. Fly. Soar higher, higher, higher, more, fire.

It drives me insane when something so amazing can mess up society. For example, Photoshop. I love it, because it corrects my mistakes and imperfections. But I really it takes something away from the art. I wonder if there are people who don't believe in using it. It sounds ridiculous, but it makes some sense. People who are terrible at photography can now be good. You can hide acne or freckles. People can look completely different, skinnier than they are and more "beautiful" but in reality, perfection isn't beauty. And the idea of perfection changes so much, how would real people ever keep up with it.
What about perfection. What even is that? Does anyone even know? no. because it doesn't exist on earth. The most beautiful people I know are not perfect. The word "ugly" does so many bad things to people every day.
The world turns things that are helpful or beautiful into things that hurt or are misunderstood.
Don't you ever miss reality?
How are we going to learn with all these self correctors?

People don't learn from their mistakes as much any more.I know I don't. If you grow up with a little red squiggle under each word you misspell, will you ever spell correctly?  If you are allowed to take a test as many times as you want, are you really going to study that hard? How do people evaluate your knowledge in situations like that? Who are they to test your knowledge?
We all take the easy way out. I really hope I am learning in this ever changing world.

We are all too dependent on things that are not constant. Me too, but really. Where are we headed with all this?

can you save us?

Cheers to those things that we try to describe accurately, but just can't. To writers block. Let's all give it up for the people who don't understand our inspiration. Why do I try to explain it to you when I know you wont ever quite understand? I just don't think like you I guess.
But I could use someone to listen to me. To really listen. Someone new that just calls me up because they need me, because I'm done being the one who needs. I want to be needed. I'm flawed. But what is the difference in being flawed and being original. It's just another way of putting it.
I don't do this to make people happy. I don't even try to make myself happy sometimes. It isn't always about being happy, sometimes it is about being worth it. Being satisfied, contempt or simply worth it.
Lets all try today to feel. Because it's the only thing that's true.

scroll down and hit pause on playlist bar, then watch this.

basically sums up my feelings right now. stop ridiculing me for thinking this.

The true importance

People don't think they are worth it. Ask the person to your right "What's your worth?"
Did they just give you that face. The confused one, with a side comment of "My what?" of "I'm trying to do my homework" I bet they did, because they don't know how much they mean to you.

So tell them.
Lately I have made a point to let people know when they truly mean a lot to me. It's not all about self worth, you mean something to others as well. There is a particular person who has stood out to me lately, and I realize that I need them. I haven't told them directly, and I feel sad about that, but it is going to happen. These last few weeks have been cram packed full of hell that I can't put up with, and then someone comes along willing to talk to me about it. That is how it always is with them, they are always there right when I need them.

It's not who I would think either. A ton of people talk crap about this person. Why? Because they simply dont know. Which brings me to another important point.
Stop judging. I'm sick of the assumptions. the stereotypes. the gossip. Why participate in something that is about to bite you back.
I am not saying I don't, because I am guilty. I just accused myself of being a hypocrite, but I still hope it changes.
It kills me when I see someone less fortunate get made fun of.
It kills me when you bash on your friends at their expense.
It kills me when I am on the receiving end.

Just remember: that person could be you.

I love the people I can go to. I love that they know when I need them.
They have worth.
You have worth.
and I think I have worth. I'm not perfect, I don't do everything I should. I'm not the best friend. I can be a real jerk, but I am glad to be loved anyway, and I am trying.

It takes a lot for me to say that I'm going to be myself. That I am going to try harder. And that I am worth it.

But to get myself there, you all have to know that you are. You are worth it. Don't ever forget it.

as if something bad, was gone.

I just feel right now. I feel like I have accomplished something. It is sad to see others go through loss, but sometimes it is necessary. You have to let go of things in order to gain other things.
To feel worth it, we have to accomplish somthing.
In order to accomplish something, you have to find the will power.
Will power from inspiration, from anticipation and even sometimes from failure.

You have to set happiness up for yourself. If you keep talking about being sad, upset, or disappointed, you will be. Happiness you have to hope for. Not only hope, but work for.
It is hard, but I am telling you it is worth it.

And, you don't have to be "in love" to happy. Sure, it helps, but sometimes what you are feeling is not love. To be happy, you have to have love. Probably not for what you think. Love isn't what it is thought to be. Think about what love really is.

You have to need something in order to receive it in its fullness. someone can't want it for you. You have to fight for it, and work for it, and accept it, and love it.
That is when you really love. When you know you worked for what was needed, for everyone.