Friday, May 11, 2012

First step

I have crossed one of the marks of graduation. It is really kinda painful. Everything is flying at me screaming "grow up!" and the more it does, the younger I become. I have always been a little defiant.
And here I am, on like my five thousandth attempt at becoming a better person, one step up and two steps back. Hoping to gradually have more good choices than bad, and I am really not sure that it will really ever happen. But I hope that I will. I hope that I have made some sort of difference in someones life, because people have changed me like crazy. Of course I keep writing about it, because I feel like it helps me change. The first step is being happy. Just trying to be nice to people. I think that I could be better if I did that, focused on making others happy when I am around them, and focus on self worth and progression when I am alone. Gotta get out of this rut somehow.

I am so dependent. Right now I have really great friends to depend upon, But who knows how long that will last, I am about to go to college. I am about to start something on my own. It's way too crazy.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012


I had been pretty cranky for the past little while, but the moment I stopped thinking about myself is the same moment that I was happy again. I probably seem really bipolar to people, but I just have to snap myself out of a bad attitude more than I wish that I did. I am only unhappy when I give up. I become selfish, upset and irritated, sometimes beyond my control. It takes a love for me to snap out of it.
Do I have a problem? probably. But today I am doing great. I have to focus a lot on what makes me happy. To be around certain people, I really have to watch myself. I have to make sure that I am on my guard and attempt to apply a brain-filter.
But it never really works. Brain filters explode when placed into my head. So, if I have been rude to you, I am honestly sorry.

I want to reach my happiness high again. 
I want to do so without cutting out or avoiding people in my life.
I am worried that this might be impossible.

All I ever want is to be accepted and happy.. but there are people that I am around that often make me feel so negative. They put others down, break my standards or are just plain rude. I want to be their friend, because I love having friends, but I am just so deeply impacted by every person around me that I have to be really careful.

It is so hard. I have gotten into habits that I wish I didn't have. I have been there, and I am on the uphill climb, but I just keep falling back into that place, the place I don't want to be anymore. 
Can I just be happy and peaceful a efficient without being pessimistic? I am honestly struggling. 

I guess really what needs to happen is I need to build up my strength. I have to be able to stand up for myself more. I have so many good examples too, I'm just such a crowd follower. A follower that is in training to be a leader. Wow, this could really end up interesting. 

I just feel like I need to reach.