Friday, March 11, 2016

There's faith, and there's sleep. We need to pick one please.

It has been probably too long since I have done this. I have a lot on my mind and kind of just need to vent it all out- I figured that posting here would be a decent option. You don't need to know details but I do need to let some things out.

I have some mental health problems that have been really interfering with living life normally. It has been a hard thing for me to accept- I don't think that I really have fully accepted it yet or if I ever really will. But I am working on it. This year in school has been really difficult for me because I am not doing as well as I have in the past. It is hard to know if I am doing my best or how hard I really can push myself. I actually feel like pushing myself has been super unhealthy lately. But I feel this pressure- like I have to do my best. That my best is compared to the best that I've ever done. It is the conflict between feeling bad enough to justify not doing as well as I would have in the past and feeling bad that I am not doing as well as I have in the past.

Like it's hard to get out of bed or make food for myself or change my laundry from the washer to the dryer.

I actually struggle to feel like I can fit anything else in my head. It's like there is a balloon of mental illness inside my brain and sometimes it is too big to allow other things to come inside. I don't know how to live with this. I thought that my mind just needed a distraction- that I should absorb myself in school and work and everything but turns out I just can't handle those things- it doesn't distract me or make things better, it just adds air to the balloon.

Well, there's a lot more. But that's good for now.