Monday, July 23, 2012

I poured out my heart when no one was listening.

I try to make inspiring posts as much as I can, to try and distract whoever reads this from the fact that I am an emotional wreck. I have scattered thoughts, certainly, but they are strong.

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would not write unless I felt strongly about something and felt as though others should know about it. I would be lying if I said that was the only reason that I haven't posted in a long time, but you are going to have to settle for a lie, because I have yet to comprehend exactly what the truth is enough to explain it.

This is as honest as I can be is that right now. I am inspired to write, and it is 12:18 pm.

I am awake, just as I usually am at this hour, even though I have to paint faces in a carnival tomorrow. I am awake because I have again felt as though I am ready to take a step in my life. There is a part of my life that is done. I am very ready to become an adult, to change. I find myself so angry with reality. I am upset that I am broke without a job and that I am alone and that I feel shadowed. I am not who I was anymore.

I don't want to be upset. I want to be myself. I catch glimpses of who I might become sometimes, and I am more excited then ever. But when I act like who I am, or rather who I was, I am simply unhappy. It just isn't quite who I am or want to be anymore. I want to take the steps I need to in order to become who I want to be.

As a teenager, I am upset and have feelings that I am under appreciated and unheard. As lame as it sounds, I really just want to be given the chance to grow up on my own. I want to move on. I don't want to eliminate anyone or anything important, I just want to become me. I want to grow into what I have always dreamed myself to be. Maybe I won't even get there, and I am not sure exactly where "there" is, but I just want to move forward. I am relieved just writing it down, being the kind of person that I am, having to spill my thoughts somehow, just so they wont boil over. This little ridiculous blog happens to be where my thoughts escape.

Who knows, maybe I am just out of my mind. I know I am not handling this quite right, but I have never had great control. I just want so badly to be somebody. Somebody to someone, that part I am obviously scared about, but actually, right now I want to become somebody that I want to be. I want that more than anything. Hopefully who I have been will help me get there.