Friday, March 22, 2013

Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.

I can't tell you how many times I have started to write something and changed my mind. All of it is too depressing or personal. So let's rewind and talk about what really matters.

I have been reading through my past blog posts and trying to relate them to my life now. Turns out it is not very hard to do. With some of them, I have no idea what my original motivation was. What possessed me to write something like that when I was just coasting through high school or even chilling at my house in the summer time. I don't really understand how something from back then can relate to my life now, but it does.

Something I have realized lately is that people don't really change as much as it seems or as we wish they would, depending on the situation. People either progress, regress or stay in the same place. It is still a change, but not a complete one. They just change parts of themselves, not who they are overall. The roots of who they really are never really change. Who they are is determined by so many things. As people, we are either growing or stepping backward.

I feel like even though I don't really know quite where I want to go, I know who I want to be. Ever since I figured that out, it has been harder and harder for me to stay headed in that direction. It is hard to tell if I have any potential to be that person or if it is worth this struggle. Even though I feel like it is, I still know that I have to keep trying and hope that it will be worth it.

You know how sometimes you feel like your should do something. Like you should call someone or raise your hand and share your thoughts in a class or that you should say something to a specific person. I have decided that these feelings come for a reason. Because of experiences that I have had, I have decided to try really hard not to ignore them. I have started acting on them, no matter how stupid they seem. We always have an initial reaction to something, and a lot of times we talk ourselves out of it and justify why it wouldn't be a good idea, but maybe those first thoughts are what we actually should be doing. Maybe our instincts are more accurate then we believe.

I also am trying to listen to those thoughts that try to get me to stop. The ones that cross sometimes cross our mind before we do or say something stupid or rude. I have a terrible problem with this, I have no filter. I tend to say what I think in certain situations, and it often gets me into trouble. I need to watch that.

Lately all I have been able to see in myself are things that I need to change. That seems like a problem. I guess I gotta start changing until I start seeing good things about myself.

Will that day ever come?

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