There's faith, and there's sleep. We need to pick one please.

It has been probably too long since I have done this. I have a lot on my mind and kind of just need to vent it all out- I figured that posting here would be a decent option. You don't need to know details but I do need to let some things out.

I have some mental health problems that have been really interfering with living life normally. It has been a hard thing for me to accept- I don't think that I really have fully accepted it yet or if I ever really will. But I am working on it. This year in school has been really difficult for me because I am not doing as well as I have in the past. It is hard to know if I am doing my best or how hard I really can push myself. I actually feel like pushing myself has been super unhealthy lately. But I feel this pressure- like I have to do my best. That my best is compared to the best that I've ever done. It is the conflict between feeling bad enough to justify not doing as well as I would have in the past and feeling bad that I am not doing as well as I have in the past.

Like it's hard to get out of bed or make food for myself or change my laundry from the washer to the dryer.

I actually struggle to feel like I can fit anything else in my head. It's like there is a balloon of mental illness inside my brain and sometimes it is too big to allow other things to come inside. I don't know how to live with this. I thought that my mind just needed a distraction- that I should absorb myself in school and work and everything but turns out I just can't handle those things- it doesn't distract me or make things better, it just adds air to the balloon.

Well, there's a lot more. But that's good for now.

Some kind of Mysterious.

So much has happened lately, it might be hard to update. I have seriously sucked at writing on here lately.

First of all, most of my emotion has recently been focused on the fact that I have been called to serve as a missionary for the LDS church and assigned to labor in the Mexico Veracruz mission. I am beyond excited to learn and teach the gospel in spanish and to develop a love for the people of Veracruz. I already love them so much- and I haven't even met them yet! Although it has been a very trying experience, so much has worked out and I have complete faith that everything will fall into place- maybe not as I have planned, but certainly as God does. I am sure that you have read or skimmed or skipped or seen over a million mission blogs by now. Don't worry, that is not what this is. If I make a mission blog, it will be different than this blog.

It could not be my blog, though, if I did not mention it on here. So I promise, the rest of this post will not have any mission stuff.

I want to focus on the beauty of autumn. Imma sound like a "white gurl" for a minute, and I seriously don't care because fall is so awesome and I am an actual white girl. So it's fine.

When fall comes around, I tend to discover things that I end up relating with the season. Like music, books, sweatpants and herbal teas. Normal things that are generally associated with the season, but they are specific things to me. Particular, not general.  I get this feeling in the fall, a feeling I have came to calling 'necessary sadness'. It is like the washing away of the unnecessary. I have time to myself to relax and renew. I know that the only reason for this is I am a young adult living with my parents and not currently going to school. I am in this 'in between' phase. And although I sometimes feel useless, I remember that I do have an ultimate purpose and it is okay to enjoy this short time that I have. My parents will be at work and my brother will be at school, and I can sit on the floor and breath to myself or read or stare or think or do yoga or so many other things, without interruption.

Although I wouldn't like to live in my necessary sadness forever, it really is beautiful. I am not in it all fall long, there are normal days. But it is almost like a place inside of me. A place of serenity. If I really look for it- do things to recall the feelings of love and life and breath- I think that it will always be there waiting for me when I need to relax. The rain feeling. The autumn feeling. Warm drinks and warm clothes and cold houses and Cold War Kids.
Longing, nostalgia, happiness, sadness, ambivalence.
Autumn. It is now time for what has had it's turn to die and fall in preparation for the freeze and then for better things to grow.

And that's why I like autumn. Along with all the pumpkin stuff because I am a white girl after all.

Some of them are nightmares, some of them are sweet.

Saying that not everything in life can be pleasant is as easy as saying not everything can be said. Both of these things being true almost constantly in my life. As previously stated, I find the desire to write comes when I am overwhelmed by some emotion to the point that I cannot contain it. This doesn't always mean that I need to share what this emotion is, but it unfailingly means that I need to share something. Often, something will end up on my blog.

This page is lacking color, positivity, images and whimsicallity(which I just made up). 

So I am going to attempt to put that back in here. Attempt to revert to a time when what possessed me to write consisted of celebrities, books, small decisions and nothing too personal.

So- with that being said- here is a random list-in no particular order- of things that sometimes occupy my mind and bring me joy (with pictures).

1. Books.

I have in recent years discovered that books are awesome. It sucks that it took me so long to figure this out. So here are a few favorites. If you are a reader at all, you have probably long since read these books.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Fahrenheit 451

The Outsiders

The Fault in Our Stars

Looking for Alaska

Which leads me to

2. The vlogbrothers.

I never wanted to admit how nerdy I was this badly before. I am most defiantly a nerdfigter now. Watching the vlogbrothers ( Hank and John Green) has seriously opened my mind in the best possible way. Not to mention lead me to great thinks like John Greens books and The Mountain Goats.

3. Amazing Music.

New stuff, old stuff, always stuff. Just a few examples. I will multimedia this.

Miserere-The Cat Empire

This is your life- The killers

Last night- Motion City Soundtrack

4. My little brother. He is such an amazing person. He is hilarious, thoughtful, and super fun to tease. We have amazing obnoxious car rides and I love it.

5. Concerts.

I have nothing to say. You just have to experience it.

I'd still pick my friends over you.

There is so much going through my head right now that there is no way that I could sleep. My best friend just got her mission call to the Philippines. It is the most amazing crazy thing ever and I can't even believe it. It really got me thinking about how far we have come. It seems like we were just sitting on her roof looking at the stars and listening to music.. Oh wait, we just were.

It was about seven years ago that I found myself alone on a playground after making a huge mistake. I found myself with no close friends, just being left alone by people who pulled away from me at the first sign of weakness. I had no idea that experience would lead me to finding the best friends that anyone could ask for.

I have a stronger friendship with Brylee and Kailee then I have ever had with anyone else. We have been through so much and we have trusted each other with so much. I am sure most people know what it is like to have best friends, but not like Kailee and Brylee. You have to understand that we started out as so very different people, and in ways we still are. But there is a part of us that has sort-of morphed together and created this massive entity of awesomeness. What I am trying to say is that the three of us really became something. We became brave and interesting and psycho and sensitive and crazy and obnoxious. But the crazy thing is that there is a part of our brain that is the same. We started to think the same way and say the same things as well as figure each other out.

Somewhat recently, we acquired a new pack member, Kyle. He became another best friend to us, fitting in so well. He is now serving his mission, and it is crazy to think about how that was the start of some really massive changes in all of our lives.

In no way are we perfect. We get upset with each other sometimes- usually because I am being stubborn- but we have never been in a real fight. We aren't afraid of fighting, because we know that nothing can shake this friendship. There is nothing that can tear us apart. I don't care how cheesy it sounds, I really believe that we have become something unbreakable. Even though we are not perfect, in my opinion, our friendship is. I treasure our relationship so much. 

Soon, we are all going to be separated for longer than we ever have. All of us will be in totally different places with different people and different problems. We won't have the luxury of speedy communication either. The real reason that I am writing this is because of how much faith I have that it will all work out. Not just that it will work out, but that will stay best friends. I trust God, and I know that he put us together for a reason. You guys have saved my life, and I have grown so much. There are some more steps of growth that I will take in our time apart, I think that we all will. But because we will all be growing, I believe that we will be able to come back together and have an even better bond than before.

I wish there was a way to explain how much I really love you guys, but this is the best I can do.

"There is no end."

Is it better than keeping my mouth shut? That goes without saying.

I can't tell you how many times I have started to write something and changed my mind. All of it is too depressing or personal. So let's rewind and talk about what really matters.

I have been reading through my past blog posts and trying to relate them to my life now. Turns out it is not very hard to do. With some of them, I have no idea what my original motivation was. What possessed me to write something like that when I was just coasting through high school or even chilling at my house in the summer time. I don't really understand how something from back then can relate to my life now, but it does.

Something I have realized lately is that people don't really change as much as it seems or as we wish they would, depending on the situation. People either progress, regress or stay in the same place. It is still a change, but not a complete one. They just change parts of themselves, not who they are overall. The roots of who they really are never really change. Who they are is determined by so many things. As people, we are either growing or stepping backward.

I feel like even though I don't really know quite where I want to go, I know who I want to be. Ever since I figured that out, it has been harder and harder for me to stay headed in that direction. It is hard to tell if I have any potential to be that person or if it is worth this struggle. Even though I feel like it is, I still know that I have to keep trying and hope that it will be worth it.

You know how sometimes you feel like your should do something. Like you should call someone or raise your hand and share your thoughts in a class or that you should say something to a specific person. I have decided that these feelings come for a reason. Because of experiences that I have had, I have decided to try really hard not to ignore them. I have started acting on them, no matter how stupid they seem. We always have an initial reaction to something, and a lot of times we talk ourselves out of it and justify why it wouldn't be a good idea, but maybe those first thoughts are what we actually should be doing. Maybe our instincts are more accurate then we believe.

I also am trying to listen to those thoughts that try to get me to stop. The ones that cross sometimes cross our mind before we do or say something stupid or rude. I have a terrible problem with this, I have no filter. I tend to say what I think in certain situations, and it often gets me into trouble. I need to watch that.

Lately all I have been able to see in myself are things that I need to change. That seems like a problem. I guess I gotta start changing until I start seeing good things about myself.

Will that day ever come?

I turn to you and let you know that I love you.

I got pretty lucky in the friend department. I am blessed to have the best friends anyone could ask for, even if they don't realize it. I guess I am writing this because it is coming down to it. I am grabbing hold of what could potentially become final moments of friendship. I hate to think of it like that, but it is such a possibility now that it scares me. I have to do what I can to keep myself from falling apart.

I am so dependent. I told my dad today that I'm not exactly social, but there are some people that I have in my life as anchors. They keep me where I am supposed to be. I am scared I can't make it on my own. As much as I want college to be so great and fantastic and amazing, it just can't live up to what I already have. The friends that I have back home are my foundation. Some of them I am sure I need way more than they need me and some I am sure don't realize how much I need them. But I do. They are a part of who I am. The biggest part of who I am.

There are times when I feel like I am trying so hard and getting little in return. But I snap out of it, because my friends always come through. Even when I just get a text saying they were thinking of me or they miss me or even just asking me how my day is, I remember how lucky I am. Even if I don't mean as much to them as they do to me, it is all worth it because I need them. If I have to fight to keep our friendship from being forgotten, I am going to do it! Even if it is uncomfortable or risky. This isn't middle school or high school anymore, this is the real thing. I want the people in my life right now to become the people in my life forever. I am going to do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

So if you're one of those people and you are reading this... Just know I am not giving up. Even if it doesn't feel at risk right now, I'm still going to fight to keep meaningful friendship. You got me through all this, and I have never been happier. You mean the world to me and I don't want to lose this. No matter what.

What from your childhood are you most thankful for?

I apologize for taking so long to write this story, but it really got me thinking. I came to the conclusion that I am the most thankful for the imperfections of my childhood.

Hopefully, we all learn from mistakes. I think that it takes me longer than it does others. This brings me the serious point that I would like to discuss.

I had many imperfects in my childhood, surely, but there is one fact that I have grown from.
Bullying.

I don't think that this story is going to be from the standpoint that you suspect, because for the most part, I was the bully.

At that time in my life, I would not have classified myself as such, but looking back I defiantly do. I did rude things for personal benefit, or no benefit at all. I thought that doing rude things would make me popular. I thought I would fit in better if I was a jerk to the people that "nobody liked anyway". As far as short term goes, I was kind of right. But in the long term, being a bully was the worst mistake I made as a child.

Before I started bullying, I was bullied myself. I must have seen something in those kids. It seemed like they always got what they wanted and it never hurt them. That was a false perception. I never wanted to be like them, I hated what they did to me, but somehow I ended up like them. It took me a very long time to realize how wrong I was and a really long time to change.

I am terribly ashamed of this, but it taught me a valuable lesson. It doesn't matter what other people think, it matters what is right. We all know when we are being rude. Telling jokes at others expense, laughing at people, physical harm. I participated in those sort of things, and all because I wanted to "fit in". Sometimes when we are jerks over and over, the feeling of regret starts to numb. But it all hits you at once when you realize how big your mistakes truly were.

When I am rude to people now, even though I am in college, I remember what it was like for me, on the day that I lost a lot of friends because of some decisions I had made. Decisions at the expense of others. The tables turned and I was no longer the bully, but had returned to being bullied. That is when I knew I had a serious issue to deal with.

The reason I am thankful for this is because it changed me as a person. I try to think about what I say now. I try to think of others before myself. Sometimes I slip up, of course, but I am no longer a bully. And I am no longer bullied. I am stronger and more independent because of things that happened to me when I was a child.

Bullying has had an influence on me, from both standpoints. It is wrong.

I am not thankful for bullying, but I am thankful that I had those experiences when I did so that I could grow as a person.